Desperation is my favorite Motivation

I always seem to work best under pressure. Even when I was younger I would wait until the last minute to finish a school assignment. If family is coming I wait until the night before to start deep cleaning the house. So naturally I would wait until the day before a trip to get all my laundry done. And of course I will wait until about an hour before we leave to actually pack. I do this every time we take a trip. I make a list about a week in advance of all the things I need to do and what I need to pack. Then I promptly loose the list and wing it in the final hours... I can't decide if this contributes to my tendency to over-pack or not. Logic would tell me that if I had started packing days prior to the trip it would give me more time to throw random articles of clothing and shoes into the bag knowing they are neither practical nor going to be worn on said trip. For example: Taking my best night on the town outfit and rockin' stilettos on a trip to a town where most bars encourage you to spit your shells on the floor. But I guarantee that in the packing process I will again throw it in just in case. In case of what I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I will most definitely bring something I have no intention of wearing and leave something out that I really needed. Like the time I brought 5 pairs of shoes but forgot my pajamas. I do the same thing with my son. I bring far more clothes than he needs and toys even though I know his Nana has toys galore...

So this is my prediction:

I will continue to frantically finish the laundry tonight.

Then tomorrow before Kai's school conference I will remember something I didn't wash and throw it in.

After the conference I will start packing and finish just minutes before my grandparents arrive to pick us up tomorrow afternoon.

Then on Friday as we are driving in the middle of nowhere It will dawn on me that the last minute item I threw in the wash is still sitting in the dryer and I will cuss under my breath.

I will continue to do this every trip out of a sense of tradition and the fact that I am a stubborn procrastinating airhead.

The Random Blogger Strikes Again...

As if the title isn't warning enough I thought I should point out that this post will be filled with random thoughts and goings on for the past week. So buckle your seat belts and try to keep up!

First of all my reunion was bitter sweet. I had a lot more fun than I expected but I was disappointed that I didn't get to catch up with everyone. Although I wasn't surprised to see that quite a few people are still stuck in high school mode... I was surprised at my reaction to the glares and over the top eye rolling. There wasn't even the tiniest ping of rejection. In fact it was hard not to laugh out loud. We hadn't even taken three steps into the mixer the first night and I got the full on bitch glare from a girl... Congratulations Shannon you win the Snobby Award! You will be receiving your trophy in the mail along with a $1000 gift certificate to the Proctologist of your choice. And I feel it is my duty to let you know that if you are going to keep sticking your nose up at every person you see you might want to consider getting a nose job...or at least a nose hair trimmer... just sayin' (I know she isn't reading this but that was fun!) Other than that mess I had a blast. It was fun to see how people have grown. In the shoulda woulda coulda department I wish I had been a little bit more brave. I pretty much stuck to observing the festivities and not joining in. It was fun watching classmates sing Karaoke though... and it is probably best for everyone that I didn't join in :)

Kai had a blast at the family picnic. And in total Kai fashion he managed to bleed, expose himself, and throw up all in a 2 hour period... THAT'S MY BOY! And while I am on the Kai subject.... As his grandparents picked him up on Friday Kai turned to me and with his "serious voice" he said, "If you need me just call me". I'm still not sure where he got that or why I would need to call a 4 year old.... So that pretty much wraps up the reunion stuff.

After all the craziness of the reunion I was looking forward to a relaxing Sunday. I had my day all planned out.

10:00 am: Roll out of bed
10:15 am: Consume entire pot of coffee
10:20am: Position pizza box on coffee table for maximum all day grazing
10:30 am-10:30 pm: Lay around in my pajamas watching T.V. and playing video games

This is not how my day went. Ok... the first half is about right. I was well on my way to total laziness when my husband came home and in what I can only describe as an energetic blur when whizzing past me. This obnoxious blur then informs... no orders me to go put my bathing suit on. We are going up river. All I could think is "SUPER!"... my feet are sore (4 in peep toe pumps..... adorable! Practical dancing shoes..... not so much) and I am just plain not in the mood. But I decided to suck it up. I did drag my not a people person husband through two days of reunion events. I owed him this. So we loaded the kid and the dog into my husband's '71 Chevy truck... no air conditioning... YIPEEE. And up river we go. Of course all the beaches are full so we have to drive FOREVER to find a beach. Finally we find a beach that meets my husband's criteria. Which I am now learning includes a treacherous rocky decent followed by rocky waters and lurking rattlesnakes. Once I survived the trek to the beach I was looking forward resuming my relaxing day. In hindsight trying to get Kai water ready with one hand while holding the leash containing a 97 lb bundle of hyperness in the other was no the way to achieve relaxation.

No sooner had I gotten the ok to let the dog off his leash all hell broke loose. He tore off to the next beach over to go play with 3 pit bulls. Brandon had to run after him and drag him back. This was actually a funny sight. Here comes Bear rounding the corner walking on just his front feet due to the fact that Brandon had a hold of his tail and the scruff of his neck and was hauling him like a wheel barrow. As I have mentioned in the past our Lab is dumb. He manages to fail at everything labs are supposed to excel in. He is afraid of cats and squirrels, he will retrieve a ball but as soon as he drops it he pounces on it and it shoots off in a random direction. This as you can imagine makes playing fetch rather frustrating. And last but not least he can't swim. He just stays in one place beating at the water with his front paws frantically trying to stay afloat. He still has no idea that he can use his hind legs... I will give him some credit though. He started to figure it out as the day went on. And I learned a very valuable lesson as well. If you make the mistake of getting to close to him he will try to sacrifice you in an attempt to stay above water. This is painfull and rather scary! I have lovely bruises on my arms and legs to prove it. If all of this doesn't sound like loads of fun just wait!

As the sun started to fade we packed up and again made the death defying climb back up to the truck. This was immediately followed by cussing and finger pointing. The keys are missing. I have learned to anticipate the blame game when my husband is stressed out. If something bad happens it is my fault. In this case it was my fault because if I hadn't let the dog off the leash Brandon wouldn't have had to throw down all of his things and chase after him. Never mind the fact that he TOLD me I could let the dog off the leash... or the fact that he usually leaves them in the truck but decided to put them in his back pocket. OR the fact that he checked his pockets before he went swimming and felt his keys but thought it was just change... because as I mentioned he always leaves them in the truck when we go up river for that exact reason. So after several more trips up and down the path of death we finally conceded that the keys had been sacrificed to the river monster. Thankfully there were other people at the beach that waited and watched in awe as Brandon hot wired his truck. Yes my husband knows how to hotwire a truck... yay for shady skills! I didn't say a word the whole way home and it apparently registered with my husband. The moment we pulled into the driveway he apologized and admitted that it was his fault and that I didn't do anything wrong. Then he sheepishly asked for my keys so he could make copies of everything. All in all my relaxing Sunday was a mess. But I got a good tan :)

And last but not least (take a deep breath the finish line is in sight) we are waiting to hear back on some pretty exciting news. NO I'm not pregnant. Brandon is possibly being given a promotion and steady work with the company he loves working for. It looks like all those years of hard work might finally pay off! I knew he deserved it but it is nice to see that they do too! So wish us luck! I will keep you posted.

I've been thinking...

I know... stand back! With my 10 year reunion literally knocking on my door (festivities start tonight), I began to wonder.... Do we ever really escape our past? High School ends and we all part ways. We grow up, make mistakes, LEARN, and evolve. We slowly outgrow our childhood and become more polished wiser version of our former selves. Or so we hope. But they don't know that. They don't know that I am different. They remember me just as I was in high school. That would be just fine if I liked the person I was back then... I started thinking about all the people I knew back then and how few of them I still keep in touch with. Then I thought about how I view them all. Not surprisingly I still picture them as they were back then. I don't exactly have new material to reference... So then must do the same with me. So does that mean that the 10 year reunion is just a feverish attempt to show off the new improved you? Is the 10 year just a warm up?

Then I started thinking about my life and how much I have changed. I am not where I thought I would be yet everything turned out just fine and I like my life. This made me think about the people in my life that are struggling. People who are also not where they thought they would be. I thought about all the times I told people to stop sweating the small stuff. And finding the positive in all things. I realized that I am horrible at taking my own advice! Why is that? When someone else is in need of comforting the words just come freely. Everything is so clear. But when I am struggling I fail to see the logic in my own advice. I can so easily see the beauty in others but not in myself. Isn't it weird how that works?

THIS made me think about self perception and how I view my life. The way I saw myself in high school is probably way different then what others saw. So have I been freaking out for nothing? Probably so... I'm sure there are those out there that don't like me and will always look at me in a negative light. But the only thing that matters is how I view my life. If I am happy with the progress I have made their perception is of no importance to me. Once again this is sound advice that I probably won't take. It is easy to pretend that that I don't care what others think. And it is easy to tell someone else that they shouldn't care. But it does get to me. I want to be liked. I want people to see the good in me. So does that make me insecure? And if so have I really changed or do I just think I have? At this point there are just far too many thoughts running through my head.

I tried to think about what I learned in school and I drew a blank... nothing. I learned nothing in school. Great! I am dumb. I spent 12 years in school and I didn't learn a thing. Ok, I have to try to think about something else because this is just making me sad... sad and dumb. Back to what I can control. Now, I can control how I feel now. The excitement of reconnecting with old friends. The stupid things that will go through my mind while getting ready. I even went so far as to try on different outfits and send the pictures to my friend. Just to make sure I was staying true to myself and not trying to go over the top to impress anyone (She is the type of person that would tell me if I was :) no feelings spared). I want to look good but I don't want to look like I put a lot of effort into it... ok too late for that.... I want to be me. The funny thing is that me now is NOTHING like me then. I think I maybe wore a dress once in high school and that was under my gown at graduation. I was a tom boy for sure. But the "now" me .... she wears peep toe pumps and carries designer handbags. Will people think I am trying too hard? Probably... but I will know that I am just being me. The new improved wiser version of my former self....

Yes, I am throwing a fit.

I have never been "popular" and it is safe to say I am no stranger to rejection. But seriously, I am getting a little discouraged. I have been blogging for over a year now. And while I find it therapeutic I can't help but get a little depressed when I log on and see that I have 2 followers.... 2! And I am pretty sure only one of them is actually reading this. Thank you Breezie :) Why do I even bother? I might as well be talking to a wall. Obviously years of perfecting my ability to disappear have paid off. I am officially transparent. No one wants to hear what I have to say and quite frankly I don't blame them. Who wants to read a random blog from a random person rambling about random things? I am beginning to think that this whole blogging thing just isn't for me :(

There you have it. My Pity Party... I could keep going but what is the point... no one is listening.

No More Diapers!

I am super excited to say that today is the 7th day in a row that Kai has pooped in the potty. Yes! Kai has gone a full week without one single accident. Well... there was one but it was so darn cute we have chosen to strike it from the record. I was still in the process of waking up when I see Kai fly out of his room with his pants half off and run into the bathroom yelling, "Got to pee got to pee got to pee!". Then I hear "NO! Stop! Argahhhh!". I run into the bathroom just in time to see him sitting on the potty trying to stop the pee from hitting the wall. He had made it to the chair but didn't have time to get everything tucked in.

I know that this doesn't seem that exciting to most. But to a parent.... priceless! After 2 exhausting years of potty training he has FINALLY got it! Tonight Grandpa Jim is taking him out for ice cream to celebrate. Now Kai has poop brain. Everything is about poop. After he eats or drinks anything he has to point out that it makes you poop. It is all just so new and exciting. He insists on telling everyone he sees that he is a "Pooping boy" now.

Why, is that a dead fairy on your bum?

Any of you that know me know that I often have a perverse sense of humor. A perfect example of this being my desire to get a Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy tattoo. Now for those of you who don't know what they are read on. For 7 years my mom ran a Novelty store in our local "mall" I use quotations because it is more like a strip mall mutated by radiation. In this store we had everything from funny greeting cards to fake puke and whoopee cushions. We even had an 18 or older section with joke condoms and penis shaped cake molds. Looking back on my childhood there is little doubt where my innocent sense of humor began to take it's detour into the morbid and grotesque dirtiness it is now. But back to the fairies... sort of.... There was this tradition in my dad's family where everyone drew a name. The person you drew was the person you got a gift for... kind of like a secret Santa sort of thing. My cousin Carly and I are only 4 months apart and just to appease us they let us in on the drawing... we always drew each other.... imagine that. So every year I picked something out from the store (lucky her... who doesn't like fake poo?). Carly loved fairies and we just so happened to have this calendar called Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Calendar. I will dive more into details later, but for now the short of it. These weren't your ordinary fairies, these were dead squished fairies. I thought it would be a funny gift but I had no idea it would turn into a yearly tradition that to this day still makes me smile. She loved them so much that even into her college years she still plastered her dorm room with the poor flattened beings. It became our little thing.

The images in the calendar came from a book by Brian Froud (there are actually several of them) called LADY COTTINGTON'S PRESSED FAIRY BOOK. It was set up like a scrapbook journal of sorts. In which Lady Cottington often rambled on about strange things and just so happened to capture fairies and press them in the book like pressed flowers... only squishier... The images are fantastic and beautiful. As soon as I was old enough to even think about getting a tattoo I couldn't think of a better image to have permanently attached to me. I still haven't done it but I will. In recent years I have seen a few of them here and there (one of the suicide girls has her whole back done in them) I still hold on to the notion that I may not be an original but I bet I'm the only one who will be able to look at it and think about Holidays long past and a bond with my cousin that will, unlike the subject of our bond, never die.

The book cover

My FAVORITE one and probably the tattoo I will be getting... not on my butt as my husband suggested. Although I do see the humor in that I do admit :)

These are just some of the MANY great images. Every one of them makes me giggle.

The first step to recovery...

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. But what happens when you have made it that far but can't quite seem to go any further? My problem is cleaning. I know that I have a problem. And I really do want to change. I want a clean house, really I do! What I lack is the discipline. I mean come on... how hard is it to hang up your clothes or do the dishes? No, seriously, how hard is it? Clearly I haven't the slightest clue. Even when I can see the problem I find a way to distract myself. Call it my cleaning defense mechanism if you will.

Maybe if I put it out there for the world to see it will shame me into changing. So here it goes:

#1. My refrigerator could easily be listed as a category 5 Bio Hazard. There are things growing in there that would baffle scientists. I am almost positive that upon close examination we would find the missing link in what I think used to be baked beans.

#2. I will wait to do the dishes until I have absolutely no choice. When there isn't a clean fork in the house THEN I will do dishes. If both sides of the sink are full I will fill the coffee pot in the bathroom sink. It is pathetic I know. I am a horrible house wife and I am teaching my son bad habits. I really do want to change.

#3. The master bedroom has hardwood floors. No really it does! Granted they are hidden under clothes and shoes and towels. But they are there. What is even worse is in all that mess I still know where everything is. I have always had a messy room. I affectionately call it Controlled Chaos.

In so many ways I am just like my mother. So why is it that I didn't inherit her super woman cleaning/organization skills? It all seems so effortless for her. She always tells me "It is simple, just create a routine that works for you and stick, stick to it!" OH! It is just that easy huh? Then why do I struggle so much? Am I really this lazy and stubborn? Sooner or later I will have to grow up and fulfill my duties. I know that it isn't going to be easy and I am not going to enjoy it but no one is going to do it for me.

My name is Britt Johnson and I am a mess.

Sh*t or get off the pot

I have tried to stay on top of all the developmental milestones our son reaches. But when it comes to potty training Kai has been as stubborn as can be. He is 4 now and still refuses to even discuss trying to poop on the potty. At least he was up until a couple of days ago. I had taken him in for a well check and told the nurse that I was concerned about him not being potty trained yet. Just based on that she felt it was necessary to bring me a print out stating that he was potty resistant. The packet went on to say that this is due to parent error. That we had traumatized him. And that the only solution was to have one last conversation with him about where his potty and poop needs to go and never bring it up again. She had annoyed me from the moment I met her, with her nasally voice and ho hum attitude but now she had done pissed me off. I fought the urge to punch her in the throat and brought up my concerns with his doctor along with my dissatisfaction with the nurse. Now what happened next surprised me. First of all his doc seemed just as shocked as I was that the nurse would just automatically jump to that conclusion. Second of all she just sat down and asked Kai if he was afraid to poop and if it hurt. Now these are all questions I had asked him with no response. He looked at her and said yes! She felt his abdomen and told me that he has hard stool and that a powdered laxative in small doses daily will eliminate his fear and the pain (along with his ability to hold it in). She began to describe the consistency we were looking for which made me chuckle... and ruined soft tootsie rolls for me forever.

With a new found enthusiasm about the whole thing I decided to try something new. Kai HATES being naked for very long. So I decided that I would stop putting him in any kind of diaper, pull up, or underwear in an attempt to make the potty chair more appealing. Almost instantly we saw results. He gets up and runs to his potty chair when he has to pee and he has even pooped in it! I don't even have to say anything. We are finally on our way to a diaper free house! But..........The elation didn't even have time to sink in before a new problem arose. Gone are the days of fearing the potty chair and gone are the......... pants.





Ohhhhh yeah.... fun times!

The Unspoken Rule

In our house we seem to have this unspoken rule that states that anything missing is my fault. If Brandon can't find the whisk it is because I put it somewhere different (even though I always put it in the same place). This rule has applied to everything from batteries to the remote, even Brandon's socks. Apparently I am the only one who touches ANYTHING therefore if it is not where someone remembers seeing it I must have done something with it. I have learned to just search until I have found the item in question and shrug it off. But the latest offense was a bit too much and needed to be documented :) Sorry Honey...

Our camera has been missing for MONTHS. The last place I remember seeing it was in our hall closet on the shelf (we live in an older house that has one of those cool built-ins with tons of storage and drawers). Brandon insisted that that is the last place he saw it and that I must have done something with it. Granted I am not the most organized person but no matter how cluttered the house is I always seem to know where things are. It is just a gift I was born with. Organized chaos is what I like to call it. With Kai's Birthday quickly approaching (today in fact) I began the frantic search for the camera. I tore the whole house apart but no camera anywhere. I actually started to believe Brandon and thought that maybe I lost it somewhere. For a split moment I caved but only for a moment. I quickly snapped out of it and decided that there was a simple solution. I MUST find the camera and once I do we will know once and for all who was the one at fault. All I needed to do was find that freaking camera! I had to clear my name. With a new found determination I looked everywhere I could think of. I looked in the laundry room, the guest bedroom, even my craft box. Just about the time I was thinking of giving up I decided to look under our bed one more time. As I pulled Brandon's heli-pack out of the way I thought what the hell... I haven't looked there yet. And what do you know! There in the front pocket was the camera. With an evil grin I looked at the last pictures taken. First I was ecstatic to discover that the last pictures on the card were of Brandon and his sister and dad snowboarding in Seattle. Then I was horrified to think that our camera has been missing since Christmas! Clearly we need to listen to all the family complaining that we don't take enough pictures of Kai.

Although I am sure Brandon will try to find a way to pin this one on me (I must have put it in there when we were packing) I will proudly claim this victory and rub it in his face every chance I get.

It's All Your Fault Mom!

Now I'm not saying that I was a deprived child by any means. But I certainly wasn't spoiled, at least not the way my son is. I had a few VHS tapes (mostly ones my Grandma had made). Kai has a freaking Disney library! I don't remember having a lot of board games. And certainly not ones with tons of pieces. I had a TV in my room that was a yard sale find or a hand me down. I'm not complaining at all. I had everything I needed. My husband had the same kind of upbringing I did. Now that I have gotten the back story out of the way...

Brandon and I went shopping for Kai's birthday last night. We dropped Kai off with his grandma and headed to Walmart. Our first stop... electronics to pick up a 19in flat screen TV. Yep, a TV! Granted this was kind of a selfish purchase. The hand me down in his room doesn't work. And I can't watch Jungle Book EVERY DAY. Plus my mom bought him 9 dvd's to add to the library. Now a well adjusted parent would stop there. We OBVIOUSLY aren't well adjusted. So on to the toys! We head to the games section and my husband picks out Kerplunk... perfect game for a 4 year old. Not me... I see Mouse Trap (a game I couldn't have as a kid... too many parts). So I say "Ohhhh I always wanted that game." Apparently Brandon grew up with the same too many parts rule. So in the cart goes Mouse Trap. Then a Yo Gabba Gabba card game, and a Cars puzzle. Then Brandon sighs and says, "Now you know he will freak out if he doesn't get any cars." After a very stressful decision between a monster truck race track and a Cars track the Cars color change paint garage thing goes in the cart. But wait! It only comes with one car... well that won't do! So we grab one of every color change car there is... (what? He didn't have Sarge yet....)

Okay, we are finally done with toys but what about his party? Again a sane person gets a bag of plain paper plates and some silverware.... DONE. What do we do? Well he loves Cars so we have to do a Cars themed party DUH! Cars table cloth... check. Cars decorations and gift bags and stickers..... check. We did show a little self restraint when we resisted the Lightening McQueen pinata. Then of course he must have a cake. And since we have committed to a cars theme we have to get a Cars cake.

What makes this whole thing even worse is that we do this EVERY YEAR! Last year we got him a Power Wheels 4 wheeler... He couldn't even reach the gas pedal... For some reason our normally frugal lifestyle goes completely out the window when Kai's Birthday comes. We are living vicariously through a 4 year old. Buying him 9000 piece K'NEX kits, and power wheels, and games with tons of tiny little pieces. But I have to say we love every minute of it. He is our little munchkin and he deserves the best.

You did what? WHERE?

This morning I woke up to "Mommy I have poopy butt!". As I sat there trying to slowly adjust to this whole being awake thing everyone keeps talking about I realized just how much motherhood has changed my life.

Before motherhood I woke up when I felt like it.
Now I wake up to "MOMMY! It's Morning! I want cartoons!"

Before motherhood the scariest thing I had to worry about finding in the tub was a spider or hair
Now... "Mommy, I frew up in the baftub"

Before motherhood if there was a wet spot on the floor it was because I spilled something.
Now... "Kai, what did you spill on the floor in your room?".... "Nofing, I peed."

All of the sudden it dawned on me. The moment you become a mother your whole life revolves around bodily fluids. And just when you think you have it all figured out they find a way to change it up on you.

For example: Kai and I were getting ready for bed. I changed his diaper, put him in pajamas and picked out a book for the night. Just as I'm getting ready to sit in the rocking chair Kai tells me that I need to turn off the light and turn on the lamp. Okie dokie... no problem. The giggling should have been a red flag.... Before I knew what was happening I had a HUGE slimy booger on my hand and Kai was laughing so hard he was barely able to say, "I put a boogie on the light". He turns off the light now.....

Things that used to gross me out don't even phase me anymore. I don't know how I feel about that... Getting puked on SHOULD gross you out. Fishing a "brown trout" out of the bathtub.... SHOULD gross you out. Finding dried food you can't even identify under the cushions of the couch SHOULD gross you out... instead it is like a game "I'm going to go with.... Lucky charm?"..... "No, raisin?"

And last but not least.... I have learned that when Kai wakes me up to tell me he has poopy butt.... I'm going to have a shitty day.

Runzas

Growing up I used to look forward to the rare occasions when my mom would make Runzas. Being that it is an all day affair it didn't happen often. But boy oh boy when it did I was in heaven. She used to double or even triple the recipe and we would eat them for days. She made them the other day and I thought I should take this opportunity to share them with you.

First I will explain what a Runza is. It doesn't sound all that appetizing but TRUST ME they are fantastic. Runzas are a meat and cabbage filled roll. Like I said, doesn't sound all that great. You will just have to try them for your self.

Dough (Grandma Schmidt's Sweet Roll recipe)

1/2 C warm water
2 pkg dry yeast (rapid rise)

1 1/2 C warm milk
1/2 C sugar

2 tsp salt

2 eggs

1/2 C shortening

7-7 1/2 C Flour

Place yeast in warm water and follow directions on packets for activating yeast. Mix all ingredients (except half of the flour) in a large bowl. Slowly add remaining flour until dough is no longer sticky and can be formed into a ball. Knead. Let dough rise to to double size then punch down. Let rise again. Roll dough out into a rectangle with a thickness of 1/4 inch or less. With a pizza cutter or knife cut into 4x6 rectangles. You will have some small pieces fill them too they will just be smaller.

Runzas filling:

2 Lbs ground beef

8 oz shredded cabbage

8 oz chopped onion

1 Tbl Worcestershire

1/4 tsp pepper

2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp savory

1/4 tsp chili powder

1/2 tsp seasoning salt

Brown and drain fat from meat. Steam cabbage and onions until slightly under done. Add seasonings and veggies to meat. Mix lightly. Spoon a large spoon full of filling into center of dough. Fold like a package ( bring two corners into the center overlapping, fold remaining corners in) and pinch to seal. Place on baking sheet fold down. Bake at 400 degrees just until lightly golden. then brush lightly with butter.

These have become an absolute favorite among my Stepdad and his hunting and fishing buddies. They ask for them constantly.

Wal-Mart Adventures

So last Saturday I had to make a last minute trip to Wal-Mart on our way out of town. I was in a bit of a hurry and speed walking through the store. Of course there were only two lanes open and I get stuck behind a woman placing her 42 items on the counter at Oh lets say the speed of a 100 year old dying snail. As I am standing there tapping my foot I hear this over the intercom.

"Attention, there are reports of a suspected shoplifter last seen on isle something or other. He is wearing blue jeans a dark hooded sweatshirt and a white hat."

I snickered a little to myself then went back to my all consuming foot tapping. When I saw the check out counter next to me open up I grabbed my 4 items and rushed over there. Sure enough the checker is super cheerful and wants to chat. In my attempt to get out of there as quick as possible I dropped some change. I told her to just keep it, wished her a nice day and proceeded to power walk my way out of the store. So the next thing to happen set me off. It went a little something like this.....

Door security guy: Excuse me mam. Can I see your receipt?

Me: Um.... sure.

Security guy: (grabbing my bag ) Hmm can you open your purse for me as well?

Me: I'm sorry what?

Security guy: Well you seem to be in a hurry to get out of here and you looked suspicious in line.

Me: Really? How about now? Do I look pissed? Because I'm pissed. (yes I actually said that out loud... my mother was so proud)

Security guy: Well, I'm sure you heard the announcement about the shoplifter.

Me: You mean the GUY? Do I look like a guy to you? Am I wearing a hat? NO. Do I have on a dark sweatshirt? NO! Now if you don't mind I would like to get out of here now!

I'm sorry since when is being in a hurry suspicious? Just because I don't feel like taking a leisurely stroll through Wal-mart I am a suspect! I'm sorry that I have better things to do. Meanwhile I am sure the ACTUAL shoplifter strolled right past him while he was busy going through my purse.

Way to go Wal-Mart Security Guy! I hope you get demoted to Creepy Door Greeter Guy... you can't really screw that one up you tard.

Long time no..... type.

Well it seems that our "temporary" lack of Internet has turned into an extended leave of absence. We have yet to decide on a provider or anything Internet related. I am going stir crazy! Which explains why I am in Montana visiting my mom and sneaking away to check up on all my long lost Internet friends. A lot has happened since November but of course now that I have a moment to sit down and tell you all about them they slip my mind.

Kai has turned into a little monster from Hell. I fight the urge daily to smack the smart ass right out of him. On the upside he is really honing his sense of humor.

Kai: Scuse me momma.

Me: Why, what did you do?

Kai: I farted!

Me: You mean you tooted.

** I will explain later **

Kai: Like a horn?

Me: Kind of.. yeah.

Kai: YAY! MY BUTT IS AN INSTRUMENT!

Me:........ great.... can we go back to calling it farting?

Ok now I used to be the kind of mom that rolled her eyes at other moms who used words like bum and toot when talking to their kids.... sorry if you are one of those moms, I now understand. Kai and I were having a nice mother son lunch at a cute little place near our house. The group of older women behind us thought Kai was adorable UNTIL he yelled at the top of his lungs I JUST FARTED! The poor lady who had the misfortune of sitting directly behind him looked at me in total disgust and shook her head. Since then we have tried to tone down the vocabulary and the volume.

Okay, still drawing a blank but here is a quick wrap up...

Everyone is alive and well, still in our rental house, Bear is still quite possibly the dumbest dog on the planet, Kai is Mouthy McMouthy Pants, Brandon still works too hard, I babysit a 2 year old 4 afternoons a week who has a problem with hitting and pushing..... FUN!, Oh, I have something called a Chilazion Cyst in my eyelid that has to be surgically removed.... again FUN!, My house is still always a mess..... yep same old stuff.