I know... stand back! With my 10 year reunion literally knocking on my door (festivities start tonight), I began to wonder.... Do we ever really escape our past? High School ends and we all part ways. We grow up, make mistakes, LEARN, and evolve. We slowly outgrow our childhood and become more polished wiser version of our former selves. Or so we hope. But they don't know that. They don't know that I am different. They remember me just as I was in high school. That would be just fine if I liked the person I was back then... I started thinking about all the people I knew back then and how few of them I still keep in touch with. Then I thought about how I view them all. Not surprisingly I still picture them as they were back then. I don't exactly have new material to reference... So then must do the same with me. So does that mean that the 10 year reunion is just a feverish attempt to show off the new improved you? Is the 10 year just a warm up?
Then I started thinking about my life and how much I have changed. I am not where I thought I would be yet everything turned out just fine and I like my life. This made me think about the people in my life that are struggling. People who are also not where they thought they would be. I thought about all the times I told people to stop sweating the small stuff. And finding the positive in all things. I realized that I am horrible at taking my own advice! Why is that? When someone else is in need of comforting the words just come freely. Everything is so clear. But when I am struggling I fail to see the logic in my own advice. I can so easily see the beauty in others but not in myself. Isn't it weird how that works?
THIS made me think about self perception and how I view my life. The way I saw myself in high school is probably way different then what others saw. So have I been freaking out for nothing? Probably so... I'm sure there are those out there that don't like me and will always look at me in a negative light. But the only thing that matters is how I view my life. If I am happy with the progress I have made their perception is of no importance to me. Once again this is sound advice that I probably won't take. It is easy to pretend that that I don't care what others think. And it is easy to tell someone else that they shouldn't care. But it does get to me. I want to be liked. I want people to see the good in me. So does that make me insecure? And if so have I really changed or do I just think I have? At this point there are just far too many thoughts running through my head.
I tried to think about what I learned in school and I drew a blank... nothing. I learned nothing in school. Great! I am dumb. I spent 12 years in school and I didn't learn a thing. Ok, I have to try to think about something else because this is just making me sad... sad and dumb. Back to what I can control. Now, I can control how I feel now. The excitement of reconnecting with old friends. The stupid things that will go through my mind while getting ready. I even went so far as to try on different outfits and send the pictures to my friend. Just to make sure I was staying true to myself and not trying to go over the top to impress anyone (She is the type of person that would tell me if I was :) no feelings spared). I want to look good but I don't want to look like I put a lot of effort into it... ok too late for that.... I want to be me. The funny thing is that me now is NOTHING like me then. I think I maybe wore a dress once in high school and that was under my gown at graduation. I was a tom boy for sure. But the "now" me .... she wears peep toe pumps and carries designer handbags. Will people think I am trying too hard? Probably... but I will know that I am just being me. The new improved wiser version of my former self....
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