I know it has been a really long time since I have posted anything and this isn't how I wanted to jump back into things. That being said, I am so frustrated! I don't understand why somethings never change. I am staring down the cliff that is 30 and I am still dealing with playground drama. I don't get it! I thought that as an adult I was allowed base my friendships on actual merit. Boy was I wrong! No, even as an adult I am not allowed to stand up for myself. I have tried to be polite about it. I tried to avoid confrontation. I tried to be an adult. Where did that get me? I don't know why I thought this would get easier. I really did think that I could just distance myself from the toxic people I knew when I was a kid and move on. I thought we had moved past the whole I don't want to be your friend no more stage in life. I don't see the point in hashing out all the you did this and you did that bullshit. Especially when the person I am trying to distance myself from doesn't seem to take responsibility for anything they do. How do you reason with someone who can justify every nasty thing they have ever done? What good does talking do when they don't see anything wrong with how they treat you? I figured it was just better to stop talking to them. Yes, I can see how some might think that this is just a tad passive aggressive. And you may be right. Maybe it would have been easier to just say...
I can't trust you. You talk about me behind my back and get mad when I defend myself. You are a hypocrite. You act like your rules don't apply to you. This whole I can push you but you can't push me crap should have been left on the playground. I am not your emotional punching bag. You have serious issues and I am tired of pretending that everything is a-ok. Going out of your way to hurt someone is not healthy. You are not better than me and I am done letting you treat me that way. I refuse to be friends with someone who makes me feel bad about myself. I refuse to pretend that I enjoy your company. And I refuse to be afraid of your retaliation. Go for it... knock your twisted little self out. Spread lies, try to humiliate me. Turn people against me. The truth is that the lies make you look like a liar. When a 30 year old woman starts gossiping like a 10th grader it is sad. It is hard to claim to hate drama when you are slandering people. And if you think I am going to be embarrassed by the truth then the jokes on you. If it happened and it was embarrassing fine. We all do embarrassing things. The only dirt you have on me is from 10 years ago or more. Do you really think that gives you the upper hand?
I know who I am and I'm not afraid to own it. Can you say the same?
I pick my nose
I was still hung up on my 9th grade boyfriend well into my early 20's
I tend to stick my foot in my mouth a lot... especially when I am uncomfortable
I talk way to much
I still get acne
I used to be so insecure that I would lie to make friends (it never really worked by the way)
I didn't really pay attention is school and now sometimes I feel a little dumb because of it.
I still get jealous of pretty girls
I used to associate physical attention with emotional validation (aka I had lots of meaningless sex)
I did my fair share of back stabbing
I am guilty of talking about people behind their backs too
I am so clumsy it is scary
I pooped my pants once in grade school
I hate going #2 in public toilets... probably explains the above confession
I have no verbal filter sometimes... see last two confessions
I can't keep a secret
I still don't have my drivers license and driving literally gives me panic attacks
I am a slob, my house is always a mess
I watch way too much tv
I like girly teen shows like Wizards of Waverly Place and Gilmore Girls.
I suck at math I would be lost without a calculator
I still facebook stalk my ex boyfriends... mostly to see if they have gone bald or gotten fat... but still not healthy...
I pretend that it doesn't bother me when people don't like me, but deep down it stings a little
I know I did a lot of crappy things when I was younger and I wish I could take them back but I won't let others use them as ammo
I can write all of this in my silly little blog but I am too much of a chicken to say it to her face...
I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to let the past be. But most importantly I wish I would have been able to go to this person and tell them how I felt instead of having to be afraid of their hurtful retaliation. I wish I could have been able to trust this person. I wish we could have been friends.
